My Crazy Amazing Hogwarts Life
by PansyParkinsonIsMisunderstood
Summary: I am going to Hogwarts. My wizarding life, an annoying mum a, a scardey cat sister, a squib brother and some completely and utterly round the twist friends. I'm sorry if you consider the rating wrong, this would be a 12A in England.
1. Mother and Muggle Misunderstandings

**This oc is not just based on me, it is me. Her family is my family (yes my mother is this paranoid), her friends are my friends, she may be a bit of a Sue, but that's because I'm a Sue. Tell me if it's dull, but if there's bad grammar, please don't tell me, I will have a mini heart attack.**

'Mummy! My Hogwarts acceptance letter arrived!' I shouted, while tearing it open and running up the foot-killing stone stairs and started reading it. 'To Rebecca Daisy...'

'Shred it immediately!' She said from her room, I went in.

'Why? I don't think you heard me. It's my Hogwarts acceptance letter; I've been waiting for this my whole life!'

'You are not going to Hogwarts, you are going to Beaux Batons. You must not go to a co-ed school, you'll get pregnant as soon as you get there, I don't trust boys that age!' She said and would have continued into another 'teen sex' rant if I hadn't put my hand over her mouth.

'Calm, promise not to talk and I let go.' I was very used to doing this, it happened about once a week. She nodded so I took away my saliva covered hand and wiped it on my pyjama bottoms.

'Mum, I'm responsible, you know me I can't even say that word without cringing and I threw up when you gave me 'the talk', plus I've always been considered 'one of the guys' by all my male friends. And, mum, it's physically impossible for a guy to get into my room, slippy stairs, remember?'

'But darling, you can go into a boy's room.' She said looking absurdly worried.

'I'm scared of germs, it took you two hours to convince me to go into my ten year old squid brothers rather tidy room the other day, do you really think I'd go into a room shared by five lazy, eleven year old, Slytherin, wizard boys? And did you know, girls who go to single sex schools, especially for boarding, are twice as likely to have you know before 16?' I said, hoping that she didn't realise the fact was totally made up.

'Oh Merlin, really?' she said with a look of extreme worry 'Hand me the parchment ant my quill, you are going to Hogwarts young lady, whether you like it or not!'

'Face-wolf.' I said.

She turned her head to face me almost instantly, 'what's 'face-wolf' is it something rude, what is it, tell me?'

'No, mother,' I said face palming 'remember that Lord of the Rings marathon I did with the girls?'

'What's Lord of the Rings?'

'It's a muggle movie, Simon introduced me to it.'

'Is it about wolves?'

'What? No!'

'Then what is all this about face wolf?'

'You know my wolf puppet, that U hug when I'm scared?'

'Ah, yes, Lu.'

'Well, Lara was being an imbecile a lot, so I face palmed with the wolf on my hand, satisfied?'

'Not really, why do you say it instead of doing it?'

'I'm too lazy.'

'You get that from me.'

'Ah, yes! Thank you mother, for all the wonderful genes you have bestowed upon me!'

'I didn't give you any of my muggle clothes! They're all size 14, you're a 10 at the biggest!'

'I give up!'

And so I went back to my room and called Ella, 'I got my Hogwarts acceptance letter! Squeeeeeeeee!'

'Yeah, me to, my dad was pretty relaxed about it but he said I was not to turn into one of those marauder fellows and under no circumstances was I to talk to or even look at the Weasly twins or Peeves the Poltergeist.'

'I have got to agree with him, but you're lucky, my mum went on this whole rant about how I she didn't trust boys our age one little bit and I was 'going to get pregnant as soon as I got there!' most cringey rant yet.'

'You? Get pregnant? Lol! The last time you talked to a boy who wasn't related to you was... actually, when was it?'

'I have no idea, I think I may have told Lara's brother to shut up a couple of months ago. Yes! I remember! Shouting at him during the LOTR marathon! But Orlando is nine, so no worries there.'

'He did touch your butt.'

'I am going to kill you in your sleep.'

'How would you manage that? I'm going to be in Ravenclaw, you are going to be in Slytherin.'

'How do you know?'

'Just for the record, I am raising my eyebrows amusedly.'

'Honey!' I heard my mum shout 'Which underwear...'

'Got to go.' I said hurriedly into the phone and slammed it into the whatever the muggles called that little hole thing in the phone system.

'What is it mum?' I asked walking out of my room towards her.

'Which underwear do you want to take?' She asked, holding my suitcase with what appeared to be a selection of boxes at the bottom.

'I'll pack, you forget everything. On an unrelated subject what are those?' I asked suspiciously, pointing at the boxes.

'Those,' She said as if she were talking to a brain dead chimpanzee 'are a selection of condoms and tampons.'

'What the fugu?' I asked wondering if I'd heard correctly.

'Condoms and tampons.' She said painfully slowly, over moving her mouth as if that would help.

'I know what they are but, why?' I asked completely giving up on attempting to perceive my mum's view of the universe. 'I understand the tampons, just in case and all that, but the condoms? I'm 11 and the closest I've had to a boyfriend is once sitting with a boy reading a book during a disco.'

'What do you mean?' She asked, genuinely confused 'Simon said condoms stopped you from getting pregnant, they works like corks do for nargles. And when did you meet a boy?'

'No, condoms are not charms for warding of teenage boys and I met the boy when you sent us to that muggle summer camp, so that Simon could be with his friends and Penny and I could 'use our accidental magic someplace it wouldn't cause trouble', we put earplugs in and read the book of FML with a torch.'

'What's FML? Is it a porn magazine? Are you looking at porn?' She shouted, working herself into a frenzy of paranoia.

'No, mother, FHM is porn, FML is F my life, and it's a book of bad things that have happened to muggles.' I explained, wishing she knew more about muggles 'And it's Simon you need to worry about, he's an almost-teenage boy.'

'Oh Merlin, you're right!' She exclaimed, terrified, running off, probably to search Simons room, so I went back to my room, got dressed in a woollen jumper and grey skinny jeans.

I flooed to my Nana's and we went to Diagon Ally.


	2. A Surprise on Diagon Alley

**Yay chapter 2! My Nana is my grandmother by the way, I just call her Nana because, actually I have no idea, but she is the only person other than me in my family who doesn't hate shopping. Most of the stuff will actually be stuff that has happened to me, but changed for the wizarding world.**

We flooed to diagon alley.

'Oh, I love it here,' she sighed 'reminds me of being a child again.'

'Seriously we had to come here?' I asked 'It's busy and I get claustrophobic really badly.'

As we left the floo stop, I realised that it wasn't as busy as normal, we had come a while earlier than most people, it was the day after my birthday, so this trip was my birthday present from her and I was getting my wand.

First we went to Olivander's, of course, a wand is a wizard or witches third arm, and he asked me a few questions about myself, clearly tired of the chaos caused by mismatched wands, I noticed he was limping and most of the books were on the floor.

The first wand he handed me was Mahogany with dragon heartstring, but I refused to try it because I am vegetarian. He seemed relieved and muttered something about buying light bulbs. The second one he gave me was willow with veela hair, I aimed it in the direction of a blank wall, and the wall paper on it promptly caught fire. The second he handed me was ash and Phoenix feather, I pointed it, again, at the blank wall and a brick exploded. The third he handed me was Ebony and Mercury, this one felt nice in my hand and I pointed it at the blank wall once more, whispering 'third time lucky' a muggle saying, it fixed said wall, and replaced the old, faded William Morris style wall paper with a green, bronze, blue, silver and black tapestry, embarrassingly, the picture on the tapestry was in the shape of a muggle 'Pokémon' called Pikachu. My nana quickly paid and left, leaving Olivander to figure out what on earth it was.

Second we went to Madame Malkins,

'Daisy,' My Nana said 'there's someone I'd like you to meet, as you know, since I retired from my job in st. Mungo's, I have started being a magical guardian to muggle born's and...'

'Ro-Chan!' I asked, confused to see my rather tall friend standing on the other side of a shop with a rather diminutive witch standing on a chair trying to take her measurements, she came running over and unbalanced said witches ladder causing her to fall.

'You're a...' we both said pointing at each other, then to ourselves 'but I'm a...'

'Nana?' I asked turning to my grandmother , 'What's going on?'

'Oh, so you've met Rosa?'

'Yes, she's one of my best friends!'

'She's a witch, she only found out yesterday because the owls had a bit of trouble getting to her house, something about building work.'

'Actually, that explains a lot,' I said thinking back to all the times she'd been stressed about losing things and then they had just turned up on the table in front of her, ' I thought that was Ella or Lara doing that..'

'What?' Rosa shouted 'Lara and Ella are witches too?'

'Yes,' I said holding back a laugh about how obvious it was 'and Ella's a metamorphagus.'

'A what?'

'She can change her appearance at will.'

'So how come she always looks the same?'

'If she came into school with hot pink hair and gold eyes, what would you think?'

'Fair point.'

'I think we should go to help Madame Malkin,' my nana interjected 'she seems hurt.'

'Are you ok Madame?' I asked the familiar lady.

'Oh, yes, don't worry Daisy dear,' she said, dusting herself off and giggling in between words 'this happens with half giants like your friend here all the time.'

'I'm not half giant!' Rosa said looking hurt and stamping her foot, making the room shake.

'Don't worry!' I said 'I know you're not, but the most awesome guy at Hogwarts is half giant, I'll introduce him to you after we've got our robes.'

Madame Malkin, of Maria, as she kept insisting we call her, fell of her ladder three more times while measuring the 5'9'' tree trunk that was Rosa and by the end she only just managed to finish serving us before passing out.

We did a bit more shopping for school supplies before going to the pet shop, I already had a black cat called Lulu and got a beautiful Arabian eagle owl that I named Ares, after the Greek god of war.

Rosa got a beautiful sugar white cat with bugglegum blue eyes and called it winter because she thought it was snow white with ice blue eyes, though I like my description better and I would have called it candy or sweetie.

After I had finished explaining the owl post system to Rosa, I took her towards the wall backing onto the leaky cauldron, 'how do I get through?' she asked looking at me for an explanaition.

'The same way you came in.'

'Actually, honey,' my nana added 'I didn't bring her in this way.'

'You flooed her in?'

'No'

'Please tell me you apprated.'

She shook her head and said the word I'd been dreading 'portkey.'

'Nana! That even makes me feel sick and I've been going to Disneyland like that every year since I was four, I bet you've given Rosa post-portkey.' Post-portkey was what my nana and I called that feeling which could last for weeks in your stomach after you've had a particularly bad portkey trip.

'I'm fine!' said Rosa, overly cheerily; though I could she was lying to spare my nanas feelings.

'Are you sure you're ok?' I asked whispering, while my nana was opening the wall door.

'Of course not,' She whisper-shouted 'and you said this can last week's!'

'Don't worry,' I said 'I can make a potion, it's easy.'

'You scared me.' She said with a face not unlike the rather grumpy cat in her arms.

Just as she said this, the wall portal opened, leading into a less than impressing site of a back door to the leaky cauldron, 'Come on.' I said, beckoning to Rosa.

'You're agreeing to go through there, what about your germ phobia?' she asked, rather amused.

'Germ proofing potion.'

'Wow, you're really good at potions.'

'Yeah, but that's it.'

As we entered The Leaky Cauldron, I spotted Rubeus Hagrid, or Haggas, as Ella insisted on calling him, immediately, 'Hi Hagrid!' I shouted running over 'This is Rosa.'

'Ah, nice to see one o' me own, finally.' Said Hagrid, smiling, oblivious to my frantic hand gestures.

'What?' she asked.

'Well, yer 'alf giant o' course.' He said, chuckling.

'I am not! How many times do I have to say it?' She shouted.

'I have an idea,' I said, grinning, 'how 'bout we pretend that you're Hagrid's daughter, see how long 'til people work out it's a lie?'

'That sounds fun!' The two tall people said on unison.

'We just said that at the same time!' they said, again together, 'And then! Ok this is getting creepy, stop it, now! This is scary...'

This continued for some time, meanwhile, Winter decided to make break for it, and run across the bar to a man in a turbans milkshake, 'Rin!' I shouted, using her nickname, to an oblivious Rosa, who was too busy accidently mirroring everything Hagrid did or said and being creeped out, 'your cat is about to consume a dairy product, and unless you want to be cleaning up cat vomit in two hours, I suggest you ...oops, too late, I could try to make an anti-vomit potion.'

After about half an hour of mu Nana catching up with some of her friends she happened to bump into and me videoing the whole Hagrid/Rosa debacle on my phone, I noticed the time and realised that the last floo back to Mycene house, the nearest to my nanas flat, was leaving soon, so I told my nana, picked up my stuff and Winter and pulled a still talking Rosa away from an also still talking Hagrid.


	3. Organised mess and fashion disasters

**Chapter 3! **

**I have been informed that the name of my eagle owl is also that of Draco Malfoy's, it is not meant to be a soul mate thing, I guess vain, rich, blonde Slytherins think alike! Also, my brother is a squib not a squid, my laptop likes to change things without my permission; it changed 'Hufflepuff' to 'Huff and Puff' the other day. I have planned the ending, but nothing else, I really don't care whether people like it or not because I am writing it mainly for my own enjoyment and 'haters' are still going to wish they were you no matter how epic your writing is. This is going to be a very short chapter.**

**Small time leap from April 20****th**** to August 30****th****.**

I would never trust my mother to take me to platform 9 ¾. We had to go through so much muggle technology, and she tended to get very confused, especially about the 'oyster card' system, she had bought one a few years ago, in an attempt to look normal in front of Simons friends, it took two members of tube staff about an hour to reassure her that, no, she was not meant to be given an actual oyster. After she had gotten said 'oyster' she spent almost half an hour trying to put it in the ticket slot.

They other reason was purely how utterly embarrassing she is, she thinks it's ok to give me my laundry on days when my brother has sleepovers with his friends, this would be ok, if she didn't insist on telling me the exact contents of the pile, including undergarments.

'Mummy,' I said, cautiously walking into room with tea and toast, her favourite breakfast, 'you know how I'm going to Hogwarts tomorrow?'

'Of, course, darling, we spoke about it a while back, you wanted to go to Beaux Batons, but I stopped you.' I let her get away with 'misremembering' this, because pointing it out would just put her in an awful mood and she'd do a 'mum strike' which would inevitably end with burns as my brother attempted cooking,

'Well, all the muggles are going back to school then to, as well all the magic folk,' I said, hoping she'd stop listening and blindly nod to my request, ' and I know how claustrophobic you get, so maybe nana or dad could take me.'

'Your dad is working then, and your I don't want to ask my mum to do too much,' she said smiling as if that would make me happy 'I want to see you off for your first day of magic school, anyway.'

'But nana's going anyway, she has to take Rosa, remember? '

'Well, I guess, but just a few...'

'Thanks mum!' I shouted drowning out whatever she was going to say and started to pack.

I dug around in the heaps of organised mess in my room until I found the uniform list and calendar for the upcoming year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, there were thirty three Hogsmead trips that year, eleven a term, once a week, on Saturdays.

I packed several pairs of brightly coloured jeans and struggled to find decent tops, as lovely as my mother and nana were, they didn't quite understand the barriers between muggle fashionable and muggle slutty, so I own a considerable amount of cropped, skin tight and see through tops, I resolved to just take my National Quiddich Association t-shirt and loads of plain white ones, hoping I had enough jewellery to make them interesting.

I grabbed my toiletries bag and placed it next to the bath tub in the bathroom next door so that I wouldn't forget them like when I went to the summer camp and had to do some very advanced transfiguration, which took over three days (and I still ended up with lynx shower gel and cinnamon toothpaste, I could not go through that again).

My mum decided that, since she was not taking me to platform 9 ¾ , then she was going to take me on a shopping trip in muggle London, this was going to be interesting.


	4. Sheep and Shopping

**Sorry for the wait, but... I cannot be bothered to think of a fake excuse, so I will give you the real reason, I'm was nine lessons behind in Russian, so my mum enforced her authority for the first time ever and I have been practicing. I'm on a plane.**

**This is the afternoon of the previous chapter, not a new day.**

**Shopping and Sheep**

I was in a good mood from my mum agreeing to let nana take me, unfortunately this meant that I utterly forgot to take my usual 'safety measures' for shopping trips with my mum, they are normally as follows:

_Wear the sluttiest things I own so that she does not insist I need more 'girly' things._

_Take some form of muggle mobile communication system, so that I can pretend to receive phone calls and avoid conversation._

_Memorise the correct spells to turn things into woolly jumpers and jeans (I would usually 'borrow' my dad's wand for this)._

But, with my terrible memory, I forgot to take any of these measures, wearing a maxi dress and leather jacket, leaving my phone, my sister's phone, my brother's and my father's phone in their respective drawers and forgetting the spells until the last minute, shoving the 'Guide to Clothing Transformation' into my bag, resolving to learn them on the way.

'Daisy!' My mum called from downstairs, just as I was leaving my bedroom.

'Coming!' I replied, hastily, to avoid another shouting conversation.

'I've just got off the phone!' She shouted, before realising I was standing next to her, 'Oh, there you are darling, I've just got off the phone with your nana, she wants to come to, so we're bringing Penny.'

Not bothering to question her logic on the Penny front, I asked the more important, in my opinion, of the many questions that should of been asked, 'But she doesn't have a floo powerful enough for more than one person to travel in quick succession, how are we going to get to muggle London if not via the Leaky Cauldron?' I dreaded the inevitable answer.

'Why, muggle 'public transport' of course,' she stated as if there was nothing wrong with her travelling like that, 'it's been a few years since I've done it, this is a good opportunity.'

'Okay, well, let's go!' I said, through gritted teeth with feigned enthusiasm, secretly hoping to get it over with quickly.

**One hour and several awkward moments later**

'Erm, mum, this is Oxford Street,' I pointed out 'you said we were doing a small girly shopping trip.'

'I know, darling!' She said with infuriating excitement at the idea, clearly having never been there on a Saturday, the day before school before.

I resigned myself to the idea of a hellish day of Hollister and Superdry, and, probably far to dramatically than I should've, closed my eyes, took a deep breath and entered the crowd.

The first land of torture, or 'shop' as my mother would call it, that I was dragged into was Hollister, I would've worn earplugs, a torch-hat and a gas mask, had I been in possession of them at the time, because, as soon as I entered, three and a half of my senses were rendered totally useless, I had to rely solely on my sense of touch to get around. In this shop I was 'lucky enough' to receive a see through beige top with 'Hollister '67' written on it and a mini skirt whose colour I was unaware of.

After a stream of more clothes that looked like they should be worn by, how to put this gracefully, night walkers, we finally went to get coffee. I tuned out of the intensely boring conversation and got my book out from my bag and started to read it, while pretending to look through my new clothes, if you can call them that. After becoming confident of my knowledge of the spell, muttered it while quickly jerking my wand up and down. It seemed that nothing had happened 'Whatever,' I thought, 'I'll just do it when we get back home.' How very wrong I was...

After I looked back up and pretended to be interested in the conversation, which I think was olive oil versus sesame oil, I heard a low rumble from all the bags containing top-like-objects, 'That was odd,' I thought 'the spell's never had a late reaction before, maybe there's just too much there...'

So, being my curious self, I put my head right into the bag to take a look, and a sheep hit me in the face, well, seven sheep hit me in the face, hooves first. I started rubbing my already forming bruises, then realised that the bigger problem was that muggles had just seen two black sheep, three green ones (one with silver stars) and two hot pink ones, both which had disgusting curly, girly, gold hearts on, thank Merlin I didn't have to wear those.

What was most strange about these multi coloured sheep nibbling bits of muggle's clothing in a coffee shop was, surprisingly, that they didn't seem to notice. I turned back towards my company and saw my little sister, holding my mum's wand so hard her knuckles were white 'I cast _mugglem repello.' _She stated, as proud of herself as I was.

I started to cast the counter to my previous transfiguration, when my sister grabbed my arm, 'Can't we keep them?' she asked looking up at me with her absurdly cute eyes.

And that is the story of how we got a flock of multi coloured sheep.

Only kidding my mum quickly put that idea to rest, but it was close, so the moral of the chapter is: _never stick your head in an Abercrombie bag._


	5. Platform and Plastic Pets

**I'm on a boat, this was probably written long ago (from when you are, if that makes any sense) because I thought I had wifi access on this holiday, considering I'm in the best suite on the Norwegian Jade cruise ship (14500-14504), but nooooo, that is totally unreasonable. This is the first chapter not written to music, most of them are written to wrock/trock/black veil brides, the previous one was written to aeroplane muzac.**

**Platform and plastic pets**

I awoke to the sound of a muggle song called 'Barbie Girl' blaring at approximately a trillion decibels into my ears. I sat up in bed and went about frantically grasping at my ears. It stopped. I looked down at my hands and saw a pair of ear buds. Oh, so that was what it was, I had set my phone alarm the previous night, that hellish song is the only thing that can wake me up, and, evidently, I had fallen asleep listening to the radio.

I glanced at the alien –like blue light radiating from my clock/radio and saw that it was 5:55 am, damn my paranoia, I always set things far too early. I thought about going back to sleep, but that would just end in a mad rush and me having five minutes to get to Kings Cross, which, trust me, even with side along apparition is not possible.

I stumbled out of bed in a state not unlike the time I had a hangover from those champagne truffles (I didn't know they contained actual champagne). I all but fell into my already open wardrobe and grabbed something before realising that I should just wear my uniform on the train, because I would never remember to change while on the way.

It took me about thirty minutes to get all my toiletries together in my case; I then checked everything about four times. My mum came in at seven, surprised that I was awake, and insisted that she check everything as well. By the time all was done, I had thirty-seven minutes to get there, putting my mum's idea of going by muggle DLR to rest, I flooed to my nana's, then we all flooed the ministry-designated floo stop for Hogwarts students. I only just managed to convince my nana not to shout 'accio breakfast' in the middle of the throng of muggles in dull grey suits, reassuring her that I'd get something from the snack cart, leaving out the fact that it would be sugar free pumpkinade and loads of chocolate pieces with sugar shells.

'So which train do we get on?' Asked Rosa, looking at a massive board with all the train times written on it.

'Hogwarts express, of course.' My nana replied, as if it were an obvious fact.

'Which platform?' A still staring Rosa questioned.

'Nine and three quarters.' My nana said, too loudly for comfort.

Rosa looked utterly bamboozled at the concept of there being fraction platforms, so I explained to her that it was a secret one that muggles were totally unaware of.

'So...how on earth do we get in? It is on earth, right?' She asked, genuinely questioning its location in the space/time continuum.

'Of course, it's just like a T.A.R.D.I.S,' I said, I then noticed that what I had said did, in fact, imply, that it was not on earth, and hurriedly added 'it's bigger on the inside than the outside.'

'So, how do we get in?'

My nana decided to answer this question, tactlessly as always, 'Just run strait at that wall, you'll go right through!' She said cheerily, that added, 'Probably, have fun!'

Rosa's eyes went wide and, being my cruel self, I pushed her right through; luckily, she was too scared to scream.

'Welcome to Platform nine and three quarters!' I said with my hands over her eyes, I took them away to reveal a normal looking railway platform, so full of people that, if it weren't for the charms, at least five people would've fallen on the tracks.

'C'mon,' I said to Rosa, 'If we don't get on soon we'll have to sit with other people.'

'Oh, that would be just terrible,' she said sarcastically, 'varying the people we hang out with so that we experience lots of traditions and cultures, sound's like hell.'

'Actually,' I stated, 'my idea of hell is socialising, ball games, loud noises and religious music, hanging out with other people would probably result in two or more of those. I said I'd meet the others in compartment 8K, we can tell them you're a witch!' With that I grabbed Rosa's arm and pulled her through the crowd and onto the train.

On our left I saw a compartment labelled 4F and on my right I saw 4E, so I pulled Rosa left, much to her surprise, causing her to almost fall over and shout 'Hey!'

When we finally got there; Lara and a person I was pretty sure was Ella were sitting there. 'Hi Daisy, Rosa.' Lara said, unusually friendly, 'Wait! What's Rosa doing here?'

'I am a witch.' She said, her metaphorical feathers thoroughly ruffled.

'And why did we not know of this before young lady?' Probably-Ella asked indignantly, I was unsure as to whether this question was directed to Rosa or me.

'She only found out on the twentieth, give her a break!' I requested.

'She only found out twelve days ago, and she's done all the reading and got all her supplies?' Ella asked, it normally took her about a month to even think about maybe replacing the eraser she lost, so it was not surprising that this concept shocked her.

'Not quite _that_ twentieth,' I corrected her sheepishly, 'more like theoneinApril.'

'The one when?' Lara asked, only just properly tuning into the conversation.

'April.' Rosa said, as if this would cause no problems.

'April? And you didn't tell us at Muggle School! Why Rosa? Why do you keep so many secrets? And don't look so smug Daisy! You knew!' Shouted Lara, this had started off serious, but ended fairly jokily, when Lara realised how much she sounded like a geography teacher.

'This is Winter.' I said, gesturing to the grumpy ball of fluff in a cat carrier 'And this is Ares.' I pointed to my golden brown eagle owl, in a desperate attempt to steer the conversation towards something altogether more pleasant.

I noticed that Lara had a pet; I think it was a cat of some sort, but she was allergic, so I decided to ask why she had something that would cause her such distress, 'Lara, why do you have a cat?'

'Oh, I forgot you didn't know! I've already told Ella about him, he's hypo-allergenic, his fur is made of sillicoglysodium, that's why he's blue!'

So that was why she seemed so happy, but, wait, _silico, _as in silicon, ha, she has a plastic pet, I pointed this out to her, causing a pretend strop.


	6. Shower gel and the sorting

**Penny and Simon have worked out the concept of frape. So if anyone has any embarrassing messages in their inbox sorry. :$ The next few chapters may be a wee bit substandard, I am in a bit of a bad mood, because I have just found out that I did, in fact, inherit the ultraviolet intolerance gene which I thought I had avoided. I am writing this while wearing a gender-bend Ron cosplay (National Quiddich Association t-shirt, purple cropped trousers, zombie-killing hoodie).**

**Shower gel and the sorting.**

The train ride passed relatively uneventfully, turns out, Ella was not allowed to bring her pet, which is understandable, considering it was a Pygmy Tasmanian Devil who could definitely not pass as a cat, due to his penchant for toenails.

As we were leaving the train, I saw my trunk, along with Rosa', Ella's and Lara', being put onto an enchanted trolley, heading to Hogwarts. Hagrid greeted us, along with all the other first years, as soon as we disembarked the Hogwarts express. We were about three minutes from the boats when an angry and scared man, who I rightly assumed was this Filch fellow my mother had told me about, marched up to Hagrid and insisted my friends and I stay behind for a few minutes.

'I,' He said, flustered, 'have found a mysterious green trail of goo, and the source has been confirmed as your trolley, do you know what it is?'

For obvious reasons, we all looked at Ella, 'What?' She asked, surprised 'It wasn't me, honestly, you always assume I'm the one who causes trouble!'

'For good reason.' I stated, truthfully.

'Well,' Snapped Filch, in his voice that apparently, had never broken properly, 'if no-one's going to own up, I'll have to get professor Snape to test it.' With that he left.

He came back around six minutes later, with a bored looking Snape by his side, holding a potions case. He took a sample of the strange liquid with a tiny spoon, put it in a glass tube and added a colourless liquid. 'It's shower gel, you blithering idiot,' he spat at Filch, and sniffed the shower gel 'green apple to be specific. Which one of you imbeciles does this belong to?' The last question was directed towards us.

I quickly wiped the smile of my face, 'Me, professor.'

'And, your name is?' He asked, probably intending to give me a detention for wasting his time.

'Rebecca Battersby, sir.' I said.

'I'll deal with you later,' He said 'assuming you're not in Slytherin of course. But right now, we need to get you all to the sorting.'

Well, at least I'd avoided punishment, this time, but now we had to worry about how to get there, we'd missed the boats, and if we went up with the older children, we'd be late for the sorting. My questions were answered with a funny feeling in my stomach. We hadn't been inside the grounds, so Snape had side along apparated us to the edge of them. It looked like it would take about fifteen minutes to get to the actual castle, running.

'You have nine minutes.' Snape announced, smugly, clearly realising that it was physically impossible.

We ran there, and got there ten minutes late, just as we entered the little room off the hall, I heard a woman, probably late sixties, calling 'Battersby, Rebecca.'

I raised my hand, she looked me up and down, and seeing that I was sweating like a pig, handed me a bottle of water and cast a few charms. On my way out, I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror. I was hardly stunningly beautiful, with my very English nose and dirty blonde hair, but at least my face was no longer bright red and wet.

I went up to sorting hat and sat on the stool, the hat was placed on my head. 'Ah,' it said, does it say things or does it just transmit things straight into your brain? Well, It something'd 'I remember your mother, a Ravenclaw, but your dad was a Hufflepuff, so I guess you have no pressure on which house to be in, so, for the first time today, you are a person who truly belongs in their house. Slytherin!' The last word was shouted to the whole of the hall.

I went to sit down at the Slytherin table, and got out my ever-present reading material, I was currently reading the toilet saga, it was terrible, but once I start a series, I never stop. I spent most of the time reading, only listening to when my friends were sorted, Lara was a badger, Rosa a lion and Ella an Eagle.

A few people tried to talk to me, but I only remembered a few names, there was a blonde boy called Draco, a girl latched onto is arm called Pansy, a scary girl about Rosa's height, but twice her width called Millicent and two girls who, if it weren't for their different skin colours, I would swear were twins called Reni and Rosa C. I hoped I didn't have to share a dorm with any of the aforementioned girls, but rather some of the boring ones who wouldn't try to engage me in conversation.


	7. Accomodation and the album

**I am now wearing my young Minerva cosplay. (Green dress, cloak.) I am in a good mood because I just saw someone who looked exactly like Xenophilius Lovegood. I am going to wear a Lucia Malfoy cosplay and say that I like his hair (Lucius Malfoy and Xenophilius Lovegood met once and complemented each-others hair.)**

**Accommodation and the Album**

After the feast, well, they called it a feast, I called it a-desperate-attempt-to-find-tofu-which-resulted-in-resorting-to-eating-M&M's-and-cookies, we were taken to our dorm rooms. Unfortunately, my terrible luck kicked in for a second time that evening, landing me in a dorm with all the people I definitely did not want to be anywhere near.

The first person in this dorm was Pansy; she would've been a very good friend, if it weren't for her obsession with the obviously gay Draco. The second was Millicent, who seemed like she'd done time in prison, as she spent all her time lifting dumbbells, while eating cheeseburgers. The third were the R's, I'm counting them as one person, who seemed to literally be Barbie dolls, very attractive, but with hollow plastic heads, they were reading some of the assigned material, and bitching about how 'eight months is not enough to read seven books, not even with magic.' I wondered how they had enough brain power to get up the stairs.

After attempting to read the word 'therefore' about seven times without success, they asked me how, and I told them, this happened about nine or ten times, with other words, like 'unfortunate', 'exclaim', 'association' and 'descriptive'. I became bored of their stupidity, and offered to write them a summary of each chapter, it took me about an hour for all the books, and then I began to unpack.

Once I was done, my wardrobe and drawers were pretty much full. I lay down on my bed and began to read. About half an hour later, the R's had also finished their unpacking; all their clothes seemed to be the same, in different colours, maybe that was just the concept of Superdry. They were clearly bored, so decided to try and interact with me socially.

They started looking through my wardrobe, which I found intensely irritating, after a while they found my favourite dress, I had brought it with me because, had I left it at home, it would have been destroyed.

'Ooh, nice dress! Where did you get it?' R1 said, in her fake American accent, being fake nice about the dress I knew she hated, it being black and blood red, an obvious, and failed, attempt to knock my self confidence.

'It was my mum's in the 80's.' I replied, truthfully.

'Ooh! Vintage!' R2 said and flicked her hair in such an infuriating manner that I wanted to throttle her.

'That's from 'mean girls'.' I pointed out, knowing that they'd done it on purpose, using the same techniques as the plastics to try and become the girls who people bowed down to.

'I...I...err...I don't know what you mean!' R2 lied, giggling nervously, doing the infuriating hair flick and, eventually, walking away. She spoke in an urgent whisper to the other R, probably planning to revise their strategy, and find someone else to ask the meaning of words more than one syllable.

I went down to the common room, deciding to get a proper look, rather than the glimpse I'd had while walking in. There were no windows, which was good, because I burned like a ginger and had a small issue with uncontrollable sneezing on very sunny days.

I found a seat by the bookshelves and sat down with a random book plucked from the shelves, I wanted a break from the piece of hippogriff dung that was twilight, and started to read, actually, what was I reading? I looked down and saw that it was called _A History of Great Slytherins 1750-1950 _it looked interesting, so I started reading. I was about half way through a chapter entitled _Jerominele Sarjelli 1739-1801: Inventor of Jambojiii also known as Inferi Repellent _when Ella burst through the door, causing everyone in the room to turn and look, and one third year to fall off his hammock.

She seemed to be holding a large leather-bound book, this was unusual, it was normally a paperback. I pulled her aside and before I could ask her what she was on about, she literally threw this rather heavy book at me and I only just managed to catch it, it was entitled _The Album of Six Prankmen: Prongs and Padfoot, Gred and Feorge ,Teto and Meiko _ I groaned at the last one, seeing my own nickname.

'Ella, what the hell is this?' I asked 'And how does it know my name?'

'I told it! It belonged to the marauders, then Fred and George and now it's ours!' She seemed unbelievably excited.

'No.' I stated 'whatever it is, no.'

I opened it, and saw loads of lists; all things various people were not allowed to do at Hogwarts, with three tick boxes by each of the things, most of them had the first two ticked.

'These are our to-do lists!' She said, I looked at the first list, and crossed off the ones she must never do.

_Things James is not allowed to do at Hogwarts: year 2 _

_By Mum_

_Sing, "We're Off to See the Wizard" while skipping off to the Headmaster's office_

_ask Dumbledore to show you the pointy hat trick_

_Give Sirius Black a flea collar_

_Make light sabre sounds with wand_

_Give Hagrid Pokémon cards and convince him they're real animals_

_Refer to the Accio charm as "The Force"_

_Charm the suits of armour to do a rendition of "The Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas Feast_

_Declare an official "Hug A Slytherin Day"_

_Steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways, not even on Halloween_

_It is a bad idea to tell McGonagall she takes herself too seriously_

_Tell Sir Cadogan that The Knight's Who Say Ni have challenged him to a duel, then have all the students say, 'Ni' from various directions_

_Ask Sirius if he's serious_

_Answer all of Remus' Questions with "Are you fucking Sirius"_

_Refer to Professor Dumbledore as 'Dude', 'My Liege' or 'Tim the Enchanter'._

_Change all Sirius' robes green and silver._

_Scream, "PINK PUPPIES"_ _at the top of my lungs at random moments, and stare at Sirius_

_Cut Sirius' hair_

_attempt to throw sticks for Sirius_

_Charm the armour to sing loudly at ungodly hours_

_ Sirius if he thinks scars are sexy_

_Talk like Yoda_

_ the Santa Clause song every time Dumbledore enters a room_

_Buy Sirius a leash and ask if he wants his 'walkies'_

_Send Snape blood flavoured lollypops._

_Buy Sirius a muzzle for his birthday_

_Circle 'Mother' and 'Fathers' day on Sirius' calendar_

_Greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?"_

"_Liften Separatis Crotchum" is not a real spell_

_Professor Flitwick does not wish to be addressed as "Admiral Naismith"._

_Sirius Black did not found the Sirius Cybernetics Corp._

_My name is not Captain Subtext_

_Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab does not sell potions ingredients and I will not resell their products as "Veela Pheromones", nor was it founded by Sirius' Family_

_I cannot Hadoken anything into oblivion_

_Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda._

_Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy is not permitted on school grounds, not even for entertainment purposes._

_I will stop referring to Hufflepuff's as "cannon fodder"_

_I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class_

_Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists_

_Lock Sirius Black and Remus Lupin in a closet to see if gay sex will occur._

_A time turner is not a flux capacitator, and I should therefore not install one in any Muggle cars_

_ my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos"_

_When being interrogated by a member of the staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce, "These are not the droids you are looking for"_

_Albus Dumbledore is not Jesus._

_Claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts: A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins._

_Introduce Peeves to paintballing._

_Teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks_

_Sing The Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches._

_Tell first years that Moon Prism Power is a basic Transfiguration spell_

_Yell "Believe it… or not!" after any of Dumbledore's speeches_

_Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit_

_Dumbledore is not Gandalf_

_Sing the entire Multiplication Rock series during Arithmancy exams._

_Call Professor McGonagall "McGoogles"_

_Re-enact famous battles of the Revolutionary War in the charms corridor._

_Begin each Herbology class by singing the theme song to "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes"_

_Organize a Hogwarts Fight Club._

_The Whomping Willow is not an Entwife_

_Hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout "I have the power!"_

_Set up a first-year on a blind date with Moaning Myrtle._

'Why have you crossed out all the ones involving Sirius?' She asked, arms folded.

'Because he is a convicted killer who is currently being guarded by things that suck out souls, that's why.' I answered, wondering why on earth she'd need to ask that question.

'Oh, it's _that _Sirius, what if I were to replace all of the ones about Sirius with ones about Lara?' She asked.

'And who is,' I checked the list to see who it had been suggested she lock in the cupboard with Sirius 'Remus, in this analogy?'

'You, of course!' She said, as if it were obvious.

It took me a few seconds to realise that she had suggested locking me and Lara in a cupboard together to 'see if gay sex will occur'. However, when I did realise what she had suggested, I grabbed the heaviest and biggest book off the bookshelves beside me, and began chasing her with it. I imagine that to the other people in the common room, it must have been quite a comical sight.

After a couple of minutes of me chasing her around, she ran up a flight of stairs. I didn't realise it at the time, but this was one of four third year boys' dorms. She stumbled into the room, whereas I, having significantly more control over my movement due to the lack of crippling laughter, managed to walk in. I saw a huddle of three boys sitting on a bed reading some sort of magazine together. Making said boys feel awkward became a higher priority than attacking Ella with the book.

'What are you reading?' I asked, knowing perfectly well what it was, but wanting to see them squirm.

'It's...err...it's a...err...a...err...an...err a Gaming magazine?' one of them tried.

'Gaming? I like video games; does it have anything about the WWE games or Grand Theft Auto? Saints Row, Little Big Planet?' I asked before grabbing the 'gaming' magazine.

It had a picture of a woman not really wearing much except a cowboy hat on the front, at this point Ella got up from the floor, having been their sitting up, for a while. She saw what I was holding, 'Are you one hundred percent sure that you don't want me to lock you in a cupboard with Lara?' She asked, joking.

'A. This belongs to them,' I said pointing to the boys from whom I had taken it, 'And B. Spoilt brat who knows karate, don't push it.'

I turned back to the third years and stated the obvious 'This isn't a gaming mag.' I tossed it back to them and left.

While I was showing Ella to the exit she asked me, 'Do you have any alcohol?'

'What?' I asked her 'Why would I have alcohol?'

'Well, you're a rich pureblood but you don't act like one.'

'Meaning?'

'You're not a _total _bitch.'

'And the opposite of that is an eleven year-old alcoholic?'

She looked annoyed at my logic and left me to wonder what on earth she was planning.


	8. Rum and repercussions

**I'm writing this while wearing my Lavender Brown cosplay (slightly see-through, lowish cut top and pink jeans).**

**Rum and Repercussions.**

The next day at breakfast, for me it was Nutella from the jar, a ginger Probably-Ella came over with a mischievous expression on her, currently freckled, face.

'Look at the cannon fodder.' She requested, not so politely.

'What did you do?' I asked, not bothering to look up from the first book of the toilet saga.

'Just look.'

I sighed and looked up to see a table of rather drunk students in Hufflepuff robes, so _that _was why she wanted the alcohol.

'You spiked their pumpkin juice?' I asked, secretly finding it quite amusing.

'Yes, with Rum!' She replied gleefully.

'Fred Weasly! George Weasly! Ella Tatham!' Shouted a very angry Professor McGonagall, who upon seeing Ella talking to me, shouted 'Rebecca Battersby!'

I groaned, assuming that my friendship with Ella had gotten me in trouble, again.

'Come with me!' She ordered.

'I didn't do it!' I said, raising my hands, in a surrendering position, this had become a knee-jerk reaction for me, since befriending Ella.

'Hmmm, well, we'll have to let Professor Dumbledore be the judge of that, won't we?' She said, to my horror, we were being sent to the headmaster's office already; she beckoned to Snape and a rather small man who I had yet to meet 'Severus, Filius!'

On the way there, Ella started a chorus of 'we're off to see the wizard' as specified in the first list, Fred and George joined in, so did the small professor who I gathered was called Filius, until McGonagall started shouting at the three gingers.

When we reached professor Dumbledore's office, Professor McGonagall took a piece of paper out of one of her many greeny-blue pockets. 'Ugh, stupid password, again.' She muttered, before shouting, 'Cadbury's Dairy Milk!'

Ella seemed to find this quite funny, though The Weasly twins and I didn't really understand the joke behind it, if there was one. Rather that the eagle opening to reveal an office, as I had assumed it would, it started turning around, McGonagall nudged us towards it, clearly indicating that we climb the now visible stairs.

'Ahh, Gred, Forge, welcome back, what did you do this time?' Professor Dumbledore asked, clearly amused, in his kind and slightly raspy voice, 'Fourteen hours. New school record, and a new personal record for you two. Are you their sister, Ginevra?' This last question was directed towards Ella, who was standing next to me.

'No, Professor, I'm Ella Tatham, I'm a first year.' She replied.

'Call me Dumbledore. You're a first year? And you're not a Gryffindor or a Weasly? And these two let you help with one of their pranks? You must be really good.' He was genuinely shocked by The Weasly Twins letting Ella in on their, apparently very exclusive, prank. 'And who are you young lady, I haven't heard from you yet.'

'I'm Rebecca Battersby Prof...Dumbledore, but most people call me Daisy.' I said.

'Well, Daisy, what was your role in all this? How about you Ella, what did you do?' He asked.

I decided to tell the truth, 'I didn't know about this until,' I checked my watch, 'Thirty seven minutes ago.'

'And I put the rum that they gave me into the cannon fodders' pumpkin juice under the masquerade of talking to a friend.' Ella blurted out, clearly thinking it would cause no trouble, despite the, failed, telepathic messages I was trying to send her.

'Cannon fodder? Is that the Hufflepuffs? Quite genius.' He said, interspersing his words with hearty chuckles. I was amazed at how lightly we'd got off. 'But I have to let your head's of house arrange your punishment I'm afraid. If it were up to me, I'd give you a sherbet lemon and see you on your way, but I have to hand you over to Professors Snape, Flitwick and McGonagall.' So that was the small man's name, he must be the head of Ravenclaw.

I heard The Weaslys having 50 points taken away each and a detention with Filch. Ella was given the task of clearing the entirely of the Hufflepuff table. Snape, however, clearly did not want one of his snakes to have to do anything too house-elfy, so I was landed with the task of making hangover potion, enough for all of Hufflepuff. This was going harder than convincing my mother to open windows when the wifi was on, only this couldn't be solved by calling my uncle to explain that the internet won't escape.

'By the way,' Ella said on the way out, 'could you show us the pointy hat trick?'

'I could.' Dumbledore replied.

'Will you?' Ella asked, trying to complete three things on the list in one day.

'Of course.' He said, smiling, before his hat sprung up into a perfect point.

'That's from the book,' Fred or George said on the way out, 'Only we thought it was an innuendo.'

'It is.' Ella confirmed.

'It is?' I asked, horrified that they had said that to our headmaster. 'What for?'

'You're too young to know.' Ella said before growing to pat my head.

'I'm older than you.' I replied, arms folded. To this day I will never know what it was for...


	9. Lessons and light sabres

**Sorry, I'm in a bit of a bad mood a because I watched HPDHP2 a few hours ago and I'm sad and a little bit embarrassed because apparently, it's not normal to shout at the screen correcting McGonagall on the pronunciation of Voldemort. I am wearing a gender-bend Doctor Who costume (Black shorts, white shirt, sequined waistcoat, boots, cowboy hat, bow tie.) **

**Lessons and Light Sabres**

After the whole rum debacle, which actually went quite well, we had lessons, and some idi...person of lower intelligence had the idea of putting Gryffindor and Slytherin together, in a class room, with competitive activities. But, at least this meant I was able to chat to Rosa throughout all my lessons.

The first was Defence Against the Dark Arts; though, I don't really know what we were meant to be learning, it took Quirell most of the lesson to introduce himself and even that was hard to understand, all I learnt was that Carluccio's do the best milkshakes and that, yes, turbans can fall off.

'It was weird how weird he was about his weird turban, he did that weird crawly thing into his weird little office-ette thing, ok, now it's gone weird, oh poo, I can't stop saying weird, weirdy, weirdo, weirdology, weirdness, weirdism...ok I think all the weird is out of my system.' I rambled on the way out.

The second was astronomy or astrology or something, it basically consisted of us looking through large glass-ended metal tubes to try to see balls of gas, rock and ice which, apparently, have some influence to our future.

After that, we had a lesson I had been looking forward to, Drama! We only had this lesson once a week, unlike our others which we had once a day. We actually had a good teacher this time, one who could speak properly, he was called Professor Kerr. We were asked to answer the register in a German accent, apparently it would be different each week, everyone did rather funny, if slightly racist, accents, answering with 'ja' or 'guten taag', well, everyone except for Georgie Hopkins , a Gryffindork, who answered by raising her hand in an extended salute and said 'Heil!'. All the half-bloods, muggle-borns and Purebloods who had been to a muggle preparatory school gasped but most of Slytherin and a ginger that Rosa seemed to be friends with looked confused and didn't really seem to know what was wrong. 'What?' she asked, looking around.

'Do you know what that means?' Asked the Professor teaching, if drama counts as a lesson, the class.

'Well, I saw some of a movie on t.v. and there were Germans saying that...' She replied, unsure of herself.

There was a relieved laugh from all the people, myself included, who had gasped and we continued with the lesson, playing a game called 'shark' where a 'shark' chased a the 'fish' around.

The rest of the morning was a bit of a blur, but at lunch time, which for me was far too much chocolate frozen yogurt and strawberries, I asked Lara how her day had been, because I hadn't seen her since the sorting.

'Dull,' she replied 'but Ella was making light sabre noises for the whole of charms, she kept referring to the 'accio' charm as 'the force' and she was calling professor Flitwick yoda, which was mildly irritating.'

'What's a light sabre?' I asked.

'Star Wars thing.'

'What's a Yoda?'

'Star Wars thing.'

'What's a The Force?'

'Star Wars thing.'

'What's a Star Wars?'

'Seriously?' She asked 'You don't know what Star Wars is?'

'Yeah, of course I know,' I said sarcastically 'That's why I asked.'

'It's a muggle movie about war in space.'

'Hmm, well done, Captain Obvious.'

At that moment, Ella ran towards where we were standing, outside to Hufflepuff common room.

'Hey, can I talk to you guys inside?' She asked.

'No, you can't.' I replied.

'Why not, are you angry with me?' She asked worried.

'No, you physically can't. No Slytherins have been in there since Bellatrix Black, and she dyed all their hair green and silver and you're banned since you spiked their pumpkin juice.' I said truthfully.

'Okay, well, I just thought you should know that I'm going to give Hagrid Pokémon cards. Do you want to come?' She asked. I agreed, hoping I could stop Hagrid from going on any form of trip or adventure.


	10. Pokemon Cards and Madame Pince

**I posted many chapters in one go. It was the only time I had decent interweb access. I now can only post a few, as I am on weekday computer ban :(**

**Pokémon cards and Madame Pince**

I followed Ella down the hill towards Hagrid, well, when I said followed, I meant stumbled most of the way then fell the last few metres.

'Which ones should we give him?' Ella asked, looking a little evil, and passed them to me.

'Err, that one and, err, that one?' I suggested pointing to the two most unrealistic ones I saw, hoping Hagrid would be intelligent enough to realise they weren't real. I then realised I should've chosen the more realistic ones, because, as they were muggle cards, some of them may be real in our world and he may already have them, but we all make mistakes, and at least I hadn't killed anyone, probably.

'Hi Haggas!' Ella greeted him, running towards him for an evil hug that would kill someone of normal size, or a 'glomph' as she would call it.

'We found these, they're pictures of animals, and we thought you'd like them.'

'Where d'ya find 'em?' He asked with wide eyes 'They're gorgeous, they are, but the names is all wrong. This one here's a Midget Nightshade Basilisk, but it's labelled Ekans, and this'n is an Spurting Leaf Tortoise, but it's labelled Squirtle. What you girls tryin' a do?'

I looked, and felt, smug; I had hoped that this plan wouldn't work, I wouldn't say I _knew_ but what some of my family called my canine instincts, this was actually my sisters discreet way of calling me a bitch, told me we'd be ok.

'Sith!' I exclaimed looking at my watch, 'I have precisely one hundred and twenty two seconds until herbology!'

Yet again, I arrived somewhere sweaty and red, this time I was only four minutes late, but, the teacher wasn't there yet.

'You look terrible,' Rosa whisper-shouted, 'do you want some pumpkin juice?'

'Thanks, you're a great friend.' I said, sarcastically, before grabbing the pumpkin juice bottle from Rosa's rather inconvenient pink, canvas bag.

I gulped down some of the pumpkin juice before stuffing it in my own back pack, I was just glad I wasn't in this class with Ella, considering the eight foot Venus Fly Traps, which looked like they'd catch a lot more than flies.

At that moment, a tall, harsh looking, bony woman with brown hair in a tight bun, who, I assumed was the teacher for this lesson, Professor Sprout, entered the greenhouse.

'Unfortunately,' she proclaimed, with what I think was supposed to be sarcasm, 'Professor Sprout is ill, she was bitten by a... poisonous thing, but the good news is, you get a library session.' this was met by a groan from, what I assumed was, muggle-borns, hoping to see more magical things, I however, was overjoyed by the news, an hour of reading, what could be better? Almost anything, as it turned out.

We filed out of the green house, but not before I managed to, err, liberate, some leaves from a few plants.

This lady was the only adult I'd seen so far who wasn't wearing robes, but had rather opted for a hideous pink and orange blouse and knee length corduroy skirt. While we were walking she introduced herself. 'Shush, don't talk in the corridors!' she started, not a good start, 'I am Madame Pince, I am the librarian here, I control the library and all the books in it.' I only just stopped myself from groaning, this meant I had to stay on her good side, a task that would be very hard, considering my first impressions.

As we entered the library there was a low murmur, most likely people deciding where to sit, but trying not to aggravate the vulture like woman.

Rosa and I took a seat near the back, with a red-head, a bushy haired girl who was already holding a big, dusty book and a scrawny boy with glasses and too much fringe.

'This is Hermione, we share a dorm,' Rosa explained pointing to the bushy haired girl, 'and this is Ron, he's teaching me to play wizard chess.' She referred to the red-head.

'And who's this?' I asked her gesturing towards the scrawny Gryffindor male.

'I'm not sure,' she replied, 'I haven't met him yet.'

'So what's your name?' I asked, turning towards the boy across the table.

'I'm Harry.' He replied, shyly, before scratching his head, displacing his hair to reveal a lightning scar.

'Merlin's odd socks!' I exclaimed, 'you're Harry Potter!'

He groaned, I wondered whether he was ill, considering the scratching and the groaning, but those fears were put to rest, because he didn't sneeze, cough or vomit for the whole library session.

'Do you think they have any muggle books?' Rosa asked looking around from where she sat.

'Not if Dumbledore finally started listening to Governor Malfoy.' I replied, absent minded-ly , before remembering Rosa was a muggle born and therefore did not know about the rather comical feud, which had been heavily documented in the less respectable wizarding news papers, if you could call them that. 'Malfoy's been trying to get rid of the muggle things from Hogwarts for years.'

'Did someone say my name?' asked the blonde boy from a few days ago, Draco Malfoy.

'Piss off, Malfoy.' Requested, or more demanded, Ron, through a mouthful of chicken, it puzzles me to this day where he got said chicken.

'Don't be rude, Ronald.' said Hermione, angrily.

'You too, Hermione, no one likes you! Why the hell are you even sitting here?' Shouted Ron, in what I thought was a really rather unnecessary outburst.

'Actually, Rosa here is the only person in my dorm I can stand; the world doesn't revolve around you!' She shouted, before ripping the lid off my pumpkin juice and throwing it in Ron's face, and, finally storming out.

'You come back here young lady! You're in a lesson!' Came the bird-like librarian's frantic screams 'Detention!' A girl who I recognised as Pavrati Patil told her that she didn't have that power, and so we were all dismissed early, to cover up the mistake of letting a first year loose during lessons.

We had fifteen minutes before the next lesson, I tried to check out a book called 'The secret lives of dark wizards'. 'I'm sorry, we can't lend to first years.' She stated, though I knew that was a lie, mainly due to the sign stating 'All years welcome' behind her.

'Bitch.' I muttered as I walked out.


	11. Knights and Fights

**Sorry for lack of update, damn weekday computer ban. I am also planning two nice new fanfics, one Sherlock, one HG. Sorry it's been so long, but I've been busy writing an 80 word Russian essay and avoiding a broken nose.**

**Knights and Fights**

After several more dreary lessons, the details of which I am rather unclear on, we had dinner, and were then instructed to return to our dorms. I found Ares, my owl, sitting on my desk and attempting to chat up a quill. He was holding a letter. My first guess of it being from my mum was wrong, it was from my nana. Bear in mind I'd only been there a day, it read.

_To Daisy, _

_You promised you'd write, are you safe? Have you decided what you want to do when you're older? Are you eating well? Do you like your dorm? Do you like the people? Is anyone being mean to you? You must promise to tell me if anything's wrong. How's Lulu, the cat, do you want me to send some snacks for her?_

_Love, Nana._

I appreciated that she cared, she just didn't need to care that much, I'd seen her less than two days ago. It struck me I had to reply, I started writing. At least I didn't have to do any homework, totally illogical thing to set at a boarding school.

_To Nana,_

_Yes, I'm fine. Not yet, but it's been a day, and you know I've always liked potions. Not much decent veggie stuff, but I'm surviving fine on chocolate. My dorm's very nice. Yes, I already had friends, remember? People have tried, but it's quite amusing. Yes, I promise. She's fine, just like she was the last time you saw her, less than two days ago, no thanks._

_Love, Daisy._

I gave the letter to Ares to take to my nana, and he gave me a look that said 'that's not much to write to your grandmother'

'You'll see why.' I said out loud, when Ella walked in.

'Ah, now you're talking to an owl, ninety fourth sign of madness is it?' She asked, jokily.

'He gave me a funny look; I was merely explaining the shortness of my letter to my nana.' I explained, before realising how silly I sounded.

'Okay, so you were explaining your communications with your nana to an owl that looked at you funny? Right, that explains things perfectly, but that's not what I wanted to talk to you about. What do you know about animation enchantments?' she asked, obviously causing me to mentally look through the list.

'Absolutely nothing, but it's a bad idea to train suits of armour.' I replied, 'They rust and fall apart.'

'Okay!' She replied, overly cheery, before leaving the room, now I was really worried.

I decided to go to bed, but first I had a bath. I had already put all of my toiletries in a locked chest of drawers in the bathroom, but it turned out that I hadn't needed to, Hogwarts provided some. I looked to see what they had provided and came to the conclusion that it was ninety percent potentially fatal chemicals and ten percent water. I got my own totally-natural-not-going-to-kill-me-unless-someone-poisons-them shampoo, and shower gel, and obviously, smelt them to see if anyone had poisoned them, they were clean.

I spent a surprisingly long time in the bathroom, contemplating the universe; I revised my plans for a z-day, an elven invasion and the return of Voldemort. Though I know it was very unlikely I'd ever need them, it felt nice knowing I had them. I was just washing the shampoo from my hair, one of the worst things that can ever happen in a bath did; I got soap in my eyes. I grabbed for my flannel and ran it under the cold tap, pulling out the plug as I went; the consequences of having your eyes screwed tightly together, and pressed said cold flannel to my eyes, rubbing away any trace of soap. I let the water run out and got out of the bath. I cast a basic drying charm and donned my laser kitten pyjamas. Only two of the girls from my dorm had been allowed to use our own pyjamas, Millicent and me, the others had brought see-through night dresses, or shorts that came above the knee. We had to pass these checks because, on the weekends and before bed, you were allowed to wander around the common room in your night clothes.

I unlocked the door to find a queue of rather annoyed Slytherins, well, three rather annoyed Slytherins, each dorm had a bathroom. They were all carrying rather a lot more than I had done; tweezers, wax strips, fragrance oils, bath salts, other random bits of brightly coloured hell.

I fell onto my bed and, for the second time, went to sleep in the mahogany four-poster with green silk sheets.

**Next morning**

It was the same as yesterday, I was awoken by the R's choosing what to wear, yes, we had a uniform, but they were intent on customising it. From what I heard, they had chosen rudder wristbands with the name of some pop star on, hot pink earrings and, tiny skirts (four inches, to be exact).

I, obviously, dressed in the standard uniform. I attempted to brush my hair and utterly failed, I tied it in a low ponytail, resolving to ask Pansy for help later.

As I entered the common room, Draco Malfoy walked up to me, 'I was in the owlery,' he stated 'you know, to collect letters from father, and when I called for Ares, two birds came over. One of them was holding this, I assume the owl was yours, the parcel has your name on it.'

I wondered who would send what, especially so early in the term. 'Yeah, that's mine, Ares is my eagle owl. I didn't know there was another owl called Ares, if I had, I'd've called him something else to avoid confusion. Thanks.'

I opened it, and sure enough, it was from my nana, but who else would be sending me anything?

It was a food package, the type muggles have at their boarding schools. It contained tofu sandwich filling, olives, chocolate coated coffee beans, English muffins, apple lollipops, apricot jam, cheese spread, rice cakes and sherbet lemons. Well, this was a bit embarrassing, but altogether rather awesome as it meant I could eat breakfast in the common room.

'Hey!' I shouted to Draco before he left, 'would you like a lollipop?'

He returned to the sofa on which I was now sitting, 'What flavour?' he asked curiously.

'Green apple.' I read from the packet, he took four. This was when I found out all the food was self replenishing.

I had tofu and cheese on a rice cake for breakfast, before checking my timetable, it was quite annoying really, it magically changed every day so we couldn't pack the night before and there was no regularity for it. Today this first lesson was astronomy, the furthest away I could possibly go.

As I made my way there, people were acting weird, the moment I left the dungeons, a Ravenclaw prefect, who I recognised as Penelope Clearwater, hugged me, as did several other people on my journey to the class. I just stood there awkwardly for the first four, then started shoving them away and by the time I'd been squeezed by ten people, I started hexing, nothing too bad, just itching hexes that my uncle had taught me.

People eventually stopped hugging me after the third lesson, as I started attempting bat bogey, which 'failed', but actually turned out quite well, they got nosebleeds. It was soon time for lunch, as we trooped to the great hall, that is Pansy, Rosa and me, Pansy and I both had our wands out. In the great hall was a banner stating 'Official Hug A Slytherin Day', so that was why people had been hugging half my class.

'Why didn't you tell me?' I asked Rosa and Pansy,

'We assumed you knew.' Replied Rosa, well I guess she hadn't seen that I wasn't a breakfast.

As I sat down to lunch and took a portion of cheese and tomato pizza, someone came over to hug Millicent, I would've warned them, but I was speechless. I recognised her as Lavender Brown, Rosa's dorm-mate and as she leant down to hug Millicent, she was punched in the face by Millicent's massive fist.

This seemed to anger Lavender, for obvious reasons, and she raised her wand, which was soon snapped by Millicent. Lavender ran away, with the fragments of her ex-wand to her dorm room.

The people previously watching were soon distracted, but as people avoided the first years and started to hug the sixth formers, there were more and more casualties, people being thrown across the room, having their hair set on fire and one was crucio'd, which is when the professors decided to step in, removing the offending student and filling the hospital wing.

I had a more than sneaky suspicion that Ella and The Twins had something to do with this. I reckoned it was time to confront her.

'Ella, you complete and utter blithering idiot!' I shouted at her, after dragging her from the hall. 'Why on earth did you think that was a good idea? Our common room has books on dark magic lying around!'

'It was funny though!' She claimed, through laughs.

'No, it wasn't, even I put someone in the hospital wing, there are people being flown to St. Mungos!'

'Lighten up!'

'I will most certainly not lighten up! If you do anything this stupid again I will use every spell from those books on you! Only not the ones that help you live forever!' And I stormed off, hearing the announcement that the Slytherins were to stay in their common room for the rest of the day pending punishment for various infractions.

When I got in, Draco Malfoy was hexing cushions and Pansy was ripping the heads off Barbie-cum-voodoo dolls. They seemed rather angry, as were some of the older people, based on the noises from some of the boys' rooms. Apart from the three of us, the common room was devoid of human life.

'Okay, you two, calm down.'

'Bloody Gryffindorks.' Sneered Draco Malfoy, taking the offered lollipop.

'Actually, it was a Ravenclaw too.' I corrected him.

'What?' He asked.

'Nothing!' I amended, no matter how infuriating my friend was, I didn't want her hexed.

When I'd given Pansy some chocolate coffee beans and calmed them both down, I decided to put a wizarding film on the enchanted mirror which acted like a muggle TV. It was about aurors infiltrating Voldemort's ranks; apparently they thought it had been long enough to be tasteful, though I didn't think so and turned it off after about four minutes, remembering that my company's parents had been on the dark side.

Eventually, I suggested sneaking out to Hogsmead, using the passages Ella had told me about.


	12. Gingers and Ginseng tea

**Sorry it's been so long! I had a full, 4,000 word chapter, but then I re-booted my computer, I only even got Microsoft word back a week ago. Sorry again, forgive me? Sorry it's short, but there wasn't much to write, but the next one will be a lot better. Also, what do you think about me starting a Gone fanfic, also with myself as the main character?**

We snuck out through said passage, stooping while walking, amidst Pansy's cries of 'Ah! Spider!' and 'Ugh, it's mucky!'

We finally got there, having been lost four times, after ten or twenty minutes. I first ran to the bookshop, yes books were expensive, but I didn't want my reading to be at the mercy of Miss. Pince, we walked into Tomes and Scrolls, Pansy immediately walked to a section marked 'Fiction for the young woman', whilst I headed for dystopia and Draco lingered being unfathomably bored. I purchased enough books to keep me going until the half-term holidays, and Pansy bought one book, which I recalled reading aged nine.

We left and the both of us were literally dragged to Gladrags, Pansy tried on some clothes and we left, we had a quick glance around the other shops, stopping to pick up some quills, before we realised we'd lost Pansy. She was back in Gladrags, by the sale rail, examining an eye-assaulting piece of fabric.

"Pansy, put that pink wash cloth down, we have a three minute window to get back undetected." I commanded.

"No."

"Pansy, it's a sundress, there's a reason it's on sale. It's September, this is literally the warmest it'll be for eight or nine months."

"I'll wear it with a fleece and leggings." She rationalized the imminent purchase; I don't bother arguing further and allow her to buy the hot pink, short, spaghetti strap dress with cut out butterflies. Draco looked at his watch and declares that we've missed the lesson change, and therefore have to wait another half hour 'til we can sneak back in.

We go for tea, we were going to go for butterbeer, but the Hogs Head would be full of people underage drinking. We walk in to the badly lit, lacy, floral tea-shop, and the proprietor looks us over, before seating us. "So, are you their escort or something?" She asks me, while handing us our menus.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, they're obviously together, and you look like you're in the year above them, are you here to make sure they don't get up to anything?" She was completely and utterly wrong, and had embarrassed those to whom she was referring as 'together'.

"No, actually, we're all just friends; the Hogs Head was full of rowdy fifth years."

"Oh, well, that's nice. Orders?" Pansy ordered an antioxidant, green, ginseng thing, while Draco got tea and I diet coke. I was sitting a corner, in such a position that I had a view of all but the portrait of a pig above my head. I'm about half way through what I'm fairly sure is a normal cola, when I think I see something outside. I disregard it as some invisible bug that's escaped from the CMC class. It keeps happening, and I see a bright orange flash, I excuse myself, having finished my drink, saying I'm going to pick up some sweets. I scurried out of the tea shop and investigate the flash, hand on wand. I've always been curious, and I was fairly sure I was in no lethal danger, I had my wand and a tie with which works as a pretty painful whip. I cautiously walked towards the source of the flash, I bumped into an invisible something, and we both fell over.

"Okay, who is it? I'm armed!" I shouted, looking around frantically.

"Calm down." Said a now visible ginger, one of the twins I think, I dubbed him Weasly 1.

"Put down the wand" Weasly two demanded, I realised I'd sub-consciously grabbed it. I reluctantly complied, shoving it back in my pocket.

"Why are you out?"

"She's a Slytherin Gred"

"Ah, yes, the prank"

"Remind me to thank Ella for her help on that"

"Will do." They continued reminiscing about the very recent prank, before I remembered and asked.

"Wait, how were you invisible?"

"Invisibility cloak."

"Borrowed it."

"And when we say borrowed."

"We mean took"

"And when we say took"

"We mean stole"

"From Dumbledore."

"His office."

"Unlocked door"

"And drawer."

To my mind, this was proof of there being no deity, these two, who've already caused several uses of the cruciatus curse, should never have a means of sneaking around invisibly. It turned out to be fairly mundane, but at least I had something I could use against those two. I go some sweets, just a few mint creams, and went back to the tea shop; we had about ten minutes before we returned.


End file.
